How Important are Sex and Sexual Compatibility?

How important are sex and sexual compatibility in the total marriage relationship?

Young people who seek light at this point are faced with the problem of too much material. All kinds of pamphlets, books, and other aids are available to help them in the sexual adjustments of marriage, so that the entire subject becomes somewhat confusing. There does seem to be agreement, how­ever, that the sexual relationships are extremely important to the success of a marriage. Some discussions and even some marriage counselors go as far as to suggest that sex is the one thing which can make or break a marriage. The im­plication is that if the sexual adjustment is not satisfactory, it will wreck the whole marriage. If it is satisfactory, noth­ing else matters very much. Out of this view grows the great concern for sexual compatibility. Some young people even feel that there should be a trial period of sexual relation­ships before marriage so that the couple can be sure that they are compatible.

Such extreme views are dangerous nonsense. Sex is im­portant in marriage, but anyone who knows even a little about the nature of personality and the way in which it de­velops, understands that there are many points around which it can be organized. Several factors; the conception you have of yourself, the roles you play, your value system and your inner adjustments as an individual (to mention a few) are each far more important than sex. Clinical experience reveals that some couples where the marriage is very unhappy enjoy unusually satisfactory sex relationships right up to the time of their divorces. Other couples go through life and develop unusually successful marriages without ever achieving satis­factory sexual adjustments.

The great danger is that whenever some difficulty arises, the young couple may try to solve it by making some adjust­ment in their sex relationships. Such a policy is like trying to cure all kinds of physical ills by keeping your teeth in good condition. Teeth are important to health, but they are not the only important factors. If we work only with them, we leave untouched the real causes of most of our difficulties. Likewise, working on the sexual adjustments may leave the real causes untouched and thus the condition becomes worse instead of better.

The facts concerning the relationship of sex to marriage success are these:

Marriage is a relationship of total personalities. Each personality is an amazingly complex combination of many different factors. Sex is only one factor, and not even the most important one. When married people have trouble with each other, the basic trouble usually is not sex. Several personality needs are far more important to the success of the marriage.

Sex is often combined with other factors, and therefore it can upset a whole relationship. So can a sore toe, or a cinder in the eye. Correcting a sex difficulty will help only if there is where the trouble really lies. What appear to be sexual difficulties are often only symptoms of something far more basic. If a couple has trouble elsewhere, such difficulties will often appear in their sex relationships. If the couple do not know any better than to believe that all troubles are sexual, this is what they will complain about to their counselor. Sexual adjustments have become today's fashions in complaints. A generation or so ago it was religious doubts. What will it be tomor­row?

Satisfactory sexual adjustments often take considerable skill and long practice to achieve. For a couple to try out premarital sex relationships as a test of sexual compatibility is absurd. It is as though a man who had never learned to play were to take a piano for two weeks' trial, with the understanding that if he could not play it satisfactorily he would not keep it.

The correction of a really serious difficulty may require years of treatment by a competent psychiatrist. Even if your trouble is basically sexual, you will not cure it by some technique which you read about in a book.

Sex in marriage, then, can add richly to the total relation­ship. It is often a symptom, but rarely a basic cause for mari­tal difficulties. Improved and varied techniques may add somewhat to the fun of the relationship. They will not cure or even significantly affect the major problems of marriage relationships. Like the vanilla in the cake, sex can give flavor and zest. Less glamorous ingredients provide the real body, and give sustaining nourishment to marriage.

Related Link: How Would You Like to Make Her Sexually Addicted to You?

The Art of Kissing

Many of us are likely to forget that kissing, when properly gone about, can be a real pleasure. And unlike so many modern pastimes, it requires no mechanical equipment, little training, and small danger. The man who spends his time kissing can score greens fees, caddies, ski tows, and overhauling of motors. He can laugh at the weather, can feel safe from bodily injury, strains, sunburn, poison ivy, and the like. Locker room arguments with their lasting bitterness can be forgotten. And today, with our social advances, men have more and more time away from office and factory, more golden hours of leisure. Use them!

The Long Range View
However, there are times when pleasure must yield to sober thought, times when we must take the long range view. Just as important as knowing how to kiss is knowing when to kiss, and —even more important— when not to. If it seems to you that your wife is beginning to take you for granted, if for example she greets you in the evening wearing an old pair of slacks, it is time for discipline.

The Neglected Kiss
For several days neglect to kiss your wife. If she is used to it she may, by sheer habit, place herself in a kissing position, lips extended, body quivering, and face full of affection. Give her an excuse."Oh. Sorry, Baby. Don't want to give you this cold." "I didn't notice you had a cold." "You would if you kissed me, pet."The next time an opportunity arises, say a few hours later, give her a different excuse. This is important. "Oh, sorry, pet. Don't want you to catch this sore throat.""I thought it was a cold, Davie.""Where in the world did you get that idea, Love?"

The Automatic Kiss
This is sometimes referred to as the Kissless Kiss, and can be administered on the cheek or forehead, though the real expert can do it directly on the lips. If it is kept quick, dry, and sexless the lip technique is by far the most effective.The humorous, or end-of-the-nose kiss is equally sexless, but carries with it a note of forgiveness.

The Slightly Preoccupied Kiss
Kiss her almost ardently, then break off suddenly and write something down in a memo pad. "What are you writing, Davie?""Oh, nothing.""Tell me, Davie, tell me?""Nothing at all, pet." (Close the memo pad.)"Where were we? Oh, yes, come here!"Or, during the course of an ardent embrace, start humming something softly, but not too softly."David, what are you humming?" "Our song, Baby." "That isn't our song, David." "No?" (Stop humming and go on with whatever you were doing.)

The Delayed Morning Kiss
A few weeks of skillful treatment should snap her back into line, if she is made of the right stuff. If so, be big. Take her back into the fold. It is best to do this dramatically, and one good method is the delayed morning kiss. Leave a few minutes early for work, drive once around the block, then rush back to the house. "Forget something, Davie?""Sure did, pet. Forgot to kiss you good-by. There!" Kiss her soundly, but don't overdo it. This is most effective if you have neglected to kiss her good-by for the last three or four mornings. Then leave for work. She will await your return eagerly.

The Anticipated Kiss
Closely related to the above, is the anticipated lass, also referred to as the delayed kiss, type two. Indicate subtly that you do plan to kiss her. Bend toward her slowly and then, as your lips almost touch, laugh softly. "Oh. It just occurred to me. Funny thing happened at the office today." Tell your little anecdote. When you finally do kiss her, she will appreciate it all the more.

The Burning Kiss
The mechanics of this are simple to perfect. In fact, you can do almost anything as long as you do it slowly. It is the real expert, however, who adds afterwards the lovable, boyish touch."Gosh!" (Give her a big smile.) "Gosh, Mom, that was keen!"

The Question of Ears
You will find that women are sharply divided on their reactions to the ear kiss or even, in extreme cases, the ear bite. They either like this very much, or not at all. Experiment once or twice, gingerly. If it fans her quickly into a flame you have another arrow in your quiver, another card in your deck. Remember it.

"Should I Kiss Her Hand?"
Though not actually subversive, hand-kissing is UnAmerican, and should be used only in extreme cases. A word of warning: like eating peanuts, hand-kissing is habit-forming and difficult to stop once begun. If not curbed it can give your wife's hand a chapped or nibbled look and can bring you infection and loss of appetite.

Related Link: Kissing 101 - Your Essential Guide

Avoiding arguments can save your marriage

Arguments have no place in the modern, well-planned marriage. Marriage is a partnership, marriage is working together. Arguments occur only when there is resistance or lack of cooperation on the part of the wife. Once your wife realizes how admirably suited you are to lead you will have little friction and a genuinely happy home.

However, in spite of all you can do there will be times when a poorly trained wife will raise her voice and an argument will have begun. You have little to fear, however, if you memorize the following rules.

DON'T BE LOGICAL

Arguing with a woman is like trying to shoot pool with a hockey stick. You have a feeling you are playing two different games at the same time. Being naturally clear-headed and logical, you may try to rely upon reason. This is a mistake. A woman uses only naked emotions, weapons she can handle far better than you.

Allow Tempers to Cool

A woman's tantrum is like a summer storm, violent but often of short duration. Once tears begin to flow, be sym­pathetic but preoccupied. Improvise some simple but urgent duty.
(Sob, sob.)
"You don't love me, David."
"Be right with you, Phoeb, soon as I check the safety valve in the basement."

"You don't love me!"
"I do, pet. Don't want you blown sky high, though. Back in a jiffy."
(Stay away for thirty or forty minutes, then return with a bright smile.)
"Oh, hello, pet. Perfect hell down there. Blazing and hissing. Now, where were we?"

Chances are, her momentum will be gone.

Arouse Pity

This requires expert playing, but if done correctly can melt the coldest heart.
"Gosh, Mom, when you come runnin' at your little Davie like that, well, I just wanta hide my head in your apron and have a good cry."
Once you arouse her sympathy your battle is half won.

Be Strong, Be Silent

Over the long haul, however, there are few techniques that equal simple silence.
It takes character to remain wordless, but you will have character to spare. Several days of silence will wear down the most determined outburst. You may be tempted to add the enigmatic smile or the tuneless hum. Do not do so. Utter silence and the mask-like expression are less satisfying, but will do the best job.

WELL WORTH THE EFFORT

Remember, kindness and consideration for your wife do pay off. The selfish husband who goes his own way with­out regard for his wife's feelings will soon find himself with a broken home.

Be good to your wife and she will be good to you.

Related Link: Self-Hypnosis To Attract Your Soul Mate

Women, Money and Art

"SHOULD I CHOOSE AN ART?"

Being a writer, painter, or musician is bound to increase your hold over women. If you have an independent in­come, or wealthy women friends, by all means choose an art. Affectionate females will flock to you.

1. Be a Writer?
If you have no special talent in any direction, choose a writing career. No real training or ability is necessary, and little expensive or messy equipment is required.

Anyone can write. If you have been told that you "write a fine letter" (and who has not?) then the battle is half over. You need only an old typewriter, a well-thumbed copy of Roget's Thesaurus, and a far-away look in your eye.

Women will gather like flies. Writers, you will discover, are to women what catnip is to cats.

You must remember, however, that every hour spent cooped up with a typewriter is an hour lost forever to your women friends. Squander these golden hours if you will, but they will not return.

2. Be a Painter?
Many will say, "We can't even write a letter!" If you are one of these, if you do not even know the elements of grammar (and many do not) you may either take to writ­ing modern poetry, or more easily, be a painter. Art has come a long way since grandfather's day. No need to bother learning perspective, drawing, anatomy, or other technical details that used to make art so tedious. Be abstract! A good abstract painter with some bright colors and a ready tongue can do some mighty daring stuff and—what is more important—explain it.

Remember this easy rule: paint it first and explain it later. Starting with a preconceived idea is not only dan­gerous but may preoccupy you and interfere with your conversation in the studio.

Dress as though you had stepped out of one of your own paintings, a riot of gay colors. Contrasting shirt and slacks can be daubed carelessly with splashes of intermediate shades.

Use water colors. They dry quickly on the clothes and wash easily off face and hands.

3. Be a Musician?
Though it is true that music can melt fair hearts, it has not yet advanced to the point at which it can be mastered by everyone. Leave it alone. You face hours of boring practice, the buying of much expensive equipment, and the baleful looks of landlords and close neighbors. Socially your music will be a drawback. Everywhere you go you will be expected to perform, working away at a keyboard while the writer and artist are off in cozy cor­ners pursuing their own ends.

"SHOULD I SEEM RICH?"

So many ask us, "Are women ever attracted by money?" The answer is, yes, they are. Most women need money, and if they think you have it, they will need you. If you have no money, seem to have it. If forced, on occasion, to show the color of it, be bold:

"Should have that much in change, darling, but every blasted sou is in escrow. Can't touch it till Epiphany."

Some believe that in courting wealthy women it is best to seem poor, on the ground that it will bring out a sort of financial mother instinct. This is not true. The warm­est hearted woman is never sentimental where money is concerned. If she is rich, make it clear that money is of no concern to you. You are above it:

"Money! I'm bored with the whole idea of money, Jo."
"I know how you feel, Davie. I'm always afraid peo­ple are after my money."
"You, too? Mother always used to say, 'Davie, never let a girl know you're a Van Belt.' "
"Are you?"
"There, it slipped. Pretend I never said it, Jo. Twice removed, really. We've always tried to live simply."

Related Link: Dating a Woman